My 13 Year Secret

Hey,

It’s Evan from @maketodayholy on Instagram, and I want to start by telling you something I kept hidden for 13 years.

I was a Christian man who loved God, read my Bible, went to church, and was secretly addicted to pornography the entire time.

Not struggling occasionally. Addicted. Deeply, shamefully, cyclically addicted.

And the worst part wasn’t the sin itself.

It was the loneliness of carrying it alone.

This isn’t your average Sunday Sermon topic. In fact, I never attended a service where this was addressed.

So I kept hiding.

And the cycle kept going.

For 13 years, I tried everything to break free. Accountability apps. Fasting. Performing self-deliverance. Promising God with tears in my eyes that this was the last time.

And I meant it every single time.

But I kept going back.

Until God showed me something that changed everything.

I wasn’t going back to porn because I was weak.

I was going back because I was empty.

And I had never dealt with what was underneath the addiction…

The loneliness, the wound, the deep hunger that porn had been medicating for over a decade.

The moment I stopped fighting the porn and started asking God to heal what was driving it, everything began to change.

That’s what broke my 13-year cycle.

Not more willpower. Not more discipline. Not a better accountability system.

Dealing with the root.

Here’s the value I want to leave you with today:

Most men treating a lust problem are treating the wrong thing.

They’re fighting the porn. Blocking the websites. Managing the behavior.

But lust is never actually about lust.

It’s about a void. A wound. A hunger that existed long before the addiction started.

And until you identify what that is, you will keep treating symptoms while the disease gets worse.

So I want to ask you something before you close this email:

What do you think is underneath your struggle?

Not the porn. Not the lust. What’s the actual hunger underneath it?

Loneliness? A need for intimacy? Stress and escapism? A wound you’ve never shown anyone?

Sit with that question today. Bring it to God. Ask Him to search you.

Psalm 139:23 — “Search me, O God, and know my heart.”

That prayer changed my life.

It can change yours, too.

I’ll be in your inbox every week with Biblical truth, honest conversation, and practical tools for this battle.

And if you ever want to talk personally, my DMs are always open.

@maketodayholy

You were never meant to fight this alone.

— Evan MTH